For Hilath
Don't worry about pouring out your heart on this blog, everyone is welcome to express themselves in any way they see fit. But Shanoo commented that some of your posts were disturbing---I'm not quite sure what she meant by them.
As for the garlanding, Muha is looking forward to it and I'm sure he'll inform you of our arrival date as soon as we've got the tickets.
posted by Al at 2:49 AM
9 Comments:
Yasir said that I shouldn't disturb other people's universes. He said that I should let others live in peace in their comfortable universes which they have carved for themselves. So I guess it's time I stopped my "outrageous" comments.
I am in a bit happy mood today 'cos I surfed under moonlight. It was like I was riding waves with glittering diamonds all around me. I wonder whether Shaz has experienced this. Eagan said that during his earlier surfing days, he did some moonlight surfing as well. I guess only the brave will venture out into the sea at night. Or perhaps, only the foolish? But I guess this is the closest I can come to a fantasy experience here in Maldives.
hey hilath u didnt disturb my universe.. besides i dont have a peaceful one, mines pretty chaotic.. so just go ahead and rise some waves i dont mind.. as for Al he talks a lot of crap..( about me which u should not believe!..)
Dont take what i said too negatively.. i was just concerned coz u seem so down.. thats all.. and i just voiced the thoughts out loud to Al..
So keep on posting 'outrageous' comments and 'disturbing' our universes :D
Hey, Shaz, I did some "before sunrise" surfing in my earlier days two years back. In fact, it was one of my happiest memories. It was like a fantastic dream when the red sun came out, and everything around me, including the sea and the waves, were basked in golden light. The surfers, with their golden skins, looked like Greek gods during early morning surfing, I might add, in order to attract some interesting comments here about my sexuality, ahem.
Shanu, I don't remember now where (whether on your blog or Al's blog) you made the comment that we should not wait for things to happen to us but that we should go out and make it happen. For the past six months, I gave a lot of my time, energy, effort and spent money to try to make a relationship work, and quite suddenly about a month back, I got unceremoniously dumped, no answers or reasons given. And coincidently, three of my friends recently also got the same treatment. These four recent affairs gone sour (for me, and the other three friends of mine) however, are responsible for my current "down" situation. We treated our lovers with the utmost care and gave them the most attention that we can give to the most humanly possible level but none of us were given any credible reasons of being dumped so unfairly. So my faith in humans' ability to love and care for one another has been badly shaken. This is quite a desperate situation because, while we humans need human contact, the future looks bleak because humans treat other humans in quite unpredictable ways. So any effort on my part now looks like a waste of time and I now don’t feel any energy or point in pursuing another relationship though I still need human contact. In fact, this is the lowest low I felt with regard to the loss of my dignity and self-worth. There are nights when I sometimes think I should just add some silica (from my binocular case) to a cup of Darjeeling tea and go to sleep forever. But then, some trickle of logic always prevents me from committing suicide. I just force and convince myself that, like there are no real answers for the existence of God, the universe and me, I can also never come to know or understand the mind and thinking of another (human) being, and that, like how I have accepted the universe for what it is, I should also accept people for who they are, and always be ready to be treated like shit. Only this line of reasoning now keeps me going, keeps me holding onto my dear life. I know this is depressing, but this is also the present reality of my life.
hmm thats some deep shit u'r in..:) on a serious note.. when i said you should do something it means u ougth to do something to get out of your present situation..your depression.. we all know life is no bed of roses.. there are plenty of thorns on it.. and we are going to bleed.. we just hav to keep that in mind.. and everytime we reach out towards something we are putting ourselves up for getting hurt .. and i knwo its easier to say this but.. u need to get over yur relationship and move on.. there wud be others.. better people.. and hopefully we are going to find them..u cant let this person make u think this negatively and give them enough power to effect u so much..u are not being fair to yourself..life is a gift..
And maybe the 6 months u spent working so hard was spent on someone not worth it.. maybe u were blindsighted by 'love'.. so stop blaming the whole humankind.. there are good people out there.. i know some of them... so just...forget about what happend and move on... sure it wud be hard and will take a long time.. but u are going to be fine.. u were fine before that person and u are goign to be fine after him... :) and u;v got a great bunch friends to help u thru.. so u have more than most people..so stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip! alright :)
You are right Shanu. I should not let someone, just one human being, affect my life negatively. In fact, I have decided that it's not worth to give my time to this depression or thoughts about this botched affair. After this affair, I have now returned to my former fun self, and also this affair helped me realise the true value of the great friends I have (which I earlier took for granted). I can never thank enough for Al, Yasir, Ali Riyaz, Egan, Sobah, Centeray, Vishal, and Narco for helping me through this difficult time. On a happier note, I now feel a bit energetic to try out something new, and I think now that I have gone through the worst kind of relationship, I am now focused on what I really want. I want someone who truly cares about me and communicates it. I now never would accept any "ambiguous" person. I know this narrows down my choices but this is so that I can find that person who is truly deserving my attention, time and energy. Also, on another happier note, I have presently found a heterosexual life partner (much like Frodo and Sam). Call it platonic love if you will. There is no sex but I don't mind. We like hanging out with each other and we enjoy each other's company at all times of the day. In fact, now I feel much happier than when I was in my earlier affair. But I guess soon I will go out looking for someone to have a sexual relationship to spice up my life!
er, I forgot to include Sharif and Saffah in my list of closest friends in my earlier soliloquy or eulogy (whichever). sorry Shari and Saffah. You are also among my closest friends and really helped me get through the worst six months of my life. Let's not call it worst dho. That would be unfair to my ex. He was everything I wished for and I still believe he really loves and cares about me. If he dumped me unceremoniously, it is not his fault. It is society and religion's fault. He has nothing to apologise for and I have no hard feelings towards him. I totally understand his mental stress and the difficult position he is in. He is so afraid to come to terms with himself. I hope one day he would come to terms with himself and be happy about who he is. I hope he finds true love and lives a happy long life with a caring partner on this otherwise temporary, short-spanned earth and the universe.
Sadly, there are few women, if any, who I can count as my close friends. I don't really know why but I didn't bother making close friends with women all this time though I like women's company. Perhaps, it was out of a fear that if I was seen hanging out with women, I would be labelled gay. In fact, now that I think of it, when we were kids at school, they used to joke that I was "anhendhulha" (effeminate) when I was seen hanging out with gals. Now the scene has changed, and it's "cool" to be seen hanging around beautiful "chicks." This society must be really sick.
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